Talking was one of the hardest things for me to do as a child, be
it with my family, friends or strangers. Talking was always a huge mountain.
Instead of talking, I would prefer hiding behind a book and being alone in my
room. I was afraid, scared in a way. Scared I would say something I was
not supposed to say and that I would be in a great big deal of trouble. Life as
a child was a silent nightmare and I carried it with me into my adult years.
The day I started opening up about my past, I didn't really say
what happened, but just spitting out a little of the pain, the hurt and shame I
carried, made it easy to go back and talk about it some more. Going over the
experiences I had as a child was painful and sometimes it made me sick to my
stomach just to talk about it.
What made me go back and speak some more was that I realised every
time I talked, it was hell, but for some reason I started feeling better. My
shoulders were getting lighter, I actually started feeling like the heaviness
was disappearing. During that time, not once did I feel judged and I felt that
I was in a safe environment to talk. Since then, things only became better.
As I child I was violated. My trust, my innocence and my childhood
was taken away.
I do get those days when I’m not okay and in those days I just
have to work a little harder not to fall back into my dark black hole, but work
through whatever is upsetting me. Back then, I thought having guilt, feeling
worthless and useless, being angry, anxious, lonely, fearful, depressed, sad
and suicidal was me being a pathetic weak person. I have now learned that
it is not a shame to work through my emotions. By working through each
emotion and acknowledging them and allowing them to be, made a huge difference
in my life. It made me an overcomer.
Through talking, I also learned a lot more about myself. It was
like I was unfolding a beautiful ancient flower, waiting to be discovered. Not
by the world, but just by me.
Today, I am standing stronger than ever before. Every day is a step
of growth, every day is a step of healing. I can now wake up in the morning
feeling happy, I do not feel the need to hide my face and I don’t feel like
dying anymore. For the first time in my life, I feel like a person.
I will forever be grateful towards Lifeline for making my
experience safe, easy and comfortable in my most unpleasant time of my
life. Thank you to the receptionist who answered my first call.
Thank you to the counsellor who was appointed to hear me out. I want to thank her
for her patience she had from the very first day I met her. To the
facilitators during my Personal Growth and Counselling Course, each of you
played a special part in my healing process and in finding myself as a person.
Thank you for showing love and kindness, for caring and most importantly, for
listening. My heart will always be grateful for getting in touch with you.
If you find yourself on that lonely dark road, I want you to know
that you don’t have to walk that dark road alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up
for yourself, take that step towards your self-care, call Lifeline and speak to
a counsellor.
Forever Grateful
