Speaking Up was my First Step to Self-care and Healing

Talking was one of the hardest things for me to do as a child, be it with my family, friends or strangers. Talking was always a huge mountain. Instead of talking, I would prefer hiding behind a book and being alone in my room.  I was afraid, scared in a way. Scared I would say something I was not supposed to say and that I would be in a great big deal of trouble. Life as a child was a silent nightmare and I carried it with me into my adult years.

The day I started opening up about my past, I didn't really say what happened, but just spitting out a little of the pain, the hurt and shame I carried, made it easy to go back and talk about it some more. Going over the experiences I had as a child was painful and sometimes it made me sick to my stomach just to talk about it.

What made me go back and speak some more was that I realised every time I talked, it was hell, but for some reason I started feeling better. My shoulders were getting lighter, I actually started feeling like the heaviness was disappearing. During that time, not once did I feel judged and I felt that I was in a safe environment to talk. Since then, things only became better.

As I child I was violated. My trust, my innocence and my childhood was taken away.

I do get those days when I’m not okay and in those days I just have to work a little harder not to fall back into my dark black hole, but work through whatever is upsetting me. Back then, I thought having guilt, feeling worthless and useless, being angry, anxious, lonely, fearful, depressed, sad and suicidal was me being a pathetic weak person.  I have now learned that it is not a shame to work through my emotions.  By working through each emotion and acknowledging them and allowing them to be, made a huge difference in my life. It made me an overcomer.

Through talking, I also learned a lot more about myself. It was like I was unfolding a beautiful ancient flower, waiting to be discovered. Not by the world, but just by me.

Today, I am standing stronger than ever before. Every day is a step of growth, every day is a step of healing. I can now wake up in the morning feeling happy, I do not feel the need to hide my face and I don’t feel like dying anymore. For the first time in my life, I feel like a person.

I will forever be grateful towards Lifeline for making my experience safe, easy and comfortable in my most unpleasant time of my life.  Thank you to the receptionist who answered my first call.  Thank you to the counsellor who was appointed to hear me out. I want to thank her for her patience she had from the very first day I met her.  To the facilitators during my Personal Growth and Counselling Course, each of you played a special part in my healing process and in finding myself as a person. Thank you for showing love and kindness, for caring and most importantly, for listening.  My heart will always be grateful for getting in touch with you.

If you find yourself on that lonely dark road, I want you to know that you don’t have to walk that dark road alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself, take that step towards your self-care, call Lifeline and speak to a counsellor.

Forever Grateful